How many babies does it take to paint a house?


Depens on how hard you throw 'em.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you
know
what?" says the 6 year old. " I think it's about time we started
cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, "When
we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something
with 'hell' and you
say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some
Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room
and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then
comes back
downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what
do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it
won't be Cheerios.....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you
know
what?" says the 6 year old. " I think it's about time we started
cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, "When
we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something
with 'hell' and you
say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some
Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room
and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then
comes back
downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what
do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it
won't be Cheerios.....

> Subject: Bless the Bears
>
>
> A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
> served as chaplains to
> the students of Northern Michigan University in
> Marquette. They would get
> together two or three times a week for coffee and to
> talk shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching
> to people isn't really
> all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach
> to a bear. One thing led
> to another and they decided to do an experiment.They
> would all go out into
> the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
> convert it.
>
>
> Seven days later, they're all together to discuss
> the experience.
>
> Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
> crutches, and has various
> bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into
> the woods to find me a
> bear. And when I found him I began to read to him
> from the Catechism. Well,
> that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
> slap me around. So
> quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
> Holy Mary Mother of God,
> he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out
> next week to give him
> first communion and confirmation."
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a
> wheelchair, with an arm and both
> legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
> brimstone oratory he
> claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't
> sprinkle! I went out and I
> FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him
> from God's HOLY WORD! But
> that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
> HOLD of him and we began
> to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and
> DOWN another until we
> came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
> his hairy soul. And
> just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
> We spent the rest of the
> week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and
> praising Jesus."
>
> They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in
> a hospital bed. He was
> in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors
> running in and out of
> him - -he was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and
> says, "You fellows don't
> even know what trouble is until you try to
> circumcise a bear."

What has 90 balls n makes women sweat?

-Bingo

hahaha

What's 9" long and makes women scream all night?







Cot death

What's 9" long and makes women scream all night?







Cot death

Sorry, but how can anyone find that remotely funny?!

The Seven Dwarfs

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack. "Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare. Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

An Aggie goes to Alaska with the hopes of becoming an eskimo. An eskimo in a bar tells him that it ain't that easy. You have to pass two tests: 1) you must make love to an eskimo woman. 2) you must wrestle a polar bear. The aggie gets really excited, downs a shot of liquor and goes out to get started. Two hours later he comes back and he's been tore the fuck up! The eskimo in the bar looks at him and says, "jesus, guess you better throw in the towel, eh?" The Aggie says, "Man, I'm just gettin' started, now where's that eskimo woman you wanted me to wrestle?"
T

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her
new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa
bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked
the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The
cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there
sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The
little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick
goes underneath the horse, not on top."

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't' know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, there's nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls of his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are...my...test...results...back?"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...












...so I told her to fuck off.

I was at the dentist the other day. When he was examining my teeth he asked "you eat a lot of sugary foods don't you?". I replied "how can you tell, are my teeth THAT bad?!", he said "no, your teeth are fine...but i couldn't help noticing how much of a fat bastard you are!"

Wrote that one myself!!!