A joke created by yours truly -


What does the army general call it when he prematurely ejaculates?


An honorable discharge.

I'm sorry but I had to put this somewhere, lol. If it offends anybody, sorry,... but lol


TEN COMMANDMENTS - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
in a courthouse is that if you post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", " Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. . . . It creates a hostile working environment.
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ZERO GRAVITY - When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion dollars developing a pen that writes in zero gravity upside-down on almost any surface including glass and at below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again----enjoy paying them.
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COWS - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to
the stall where she sleeps, in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around in our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
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CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and well, we're not using it anymore.

I'll give you a joke, more like a pun if you will.

Military Intelligence


How could this be a word?

I'll give you a joke, more like a pun if you will.

Military Intelligence


How could this be a word?

I've heard one similar to this.

Military Intelligence is to Intelligence what Military Music is to Music.

hehe, good one.

I love the English language. It's filled with weird stuff like this.
"Getting on a plane" .. fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane. Let Evil Knievel get ON the plane.

"Taking a shit / piss" ... you don't take a shit, you leave a shit.


Anyway, that's the stuff I think about when the power goes down in the neighbourhood.

hehe, speaking of "taking a shit"...

A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to Kansas City International Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Kansas City. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in Kansas City."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in KC?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big boobs out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding
cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote"The Hokey Pokey,"died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.
SHUT UP. You know it's funny.

I'll give you a joke, more like a pun if you will.

Military Intelligence


How could this be a word?

Listen closely to the lyrics Megadeth's Hangar 18

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote"The Hokey Pokey,"died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.
SHUT UP. You know it's funny.

Huh? Wouldn't that be the mortician's job?

I don't get it...



























Anyway...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is: 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

And a lighter look at a very vicious topic:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."

[EphelDuath666]

well this is not a joke and probably not really new but still pretty funny. Check out this link...he he

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/specialbushaudio.html

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.


He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."


She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."


"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."


She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic."


The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic!"


"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley.."


The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"


"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."


The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

Male and Female Prayers

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen

Socrates

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance. The acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to say to me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
"Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary...."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really...."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.