drsaw2: hey there
Cum Recepticle: Hello, Doctor Saw!
Cum Recepticle: Are you into amputations?
drsaw2: what kind?
Cum Recepticle: Um....like, the kind you do with a bone saw.
Cum Recepticle: I dunno, arms, legs, you name it.
drsaw2: i'm more into putting things in. you know?
Cum Recepticle: Ooooh yeah, I know *exactly* what you mean.
drsaw2: how did you get the sn?
Cum Recepticle: I love a catheter as much as the next guy
Cum Recepticle: Umm...because people deposit their cum in me a lot.
drsaw2: what hole?
Cum Recepticle: I don't recall saying anything about a hole.
drsaw2: where do they deposit?
Cum Recepticle: The bank.
Cum Recepticle: Well, in me...
Cum Recepticle: I'm a sperm bank.
Cum Recepticle: The Western Fertility Center of Illinois, as a matter of fact.
drsaw2: what do you do with the sperm?
Cum Recepticle: My staff of trained doctors, nurses and other professionals sorts, catalogs and stores the sperm for use in artificial insemination techniques for singles and couples unable to have children of their own.
drsaw2: so why does your profile say you're 13 and like to fuck?
Cum Recepticle: I was founded 13 years ago by Dr. Karl Obstenstein, a noted professor in the field of Artificial Fertility Treatments. I'm not sure why it says I like to fuck, tho...that's not quite how it works.
drsaw2: are you making this shit up as you go along?
Cum Recepticle: What? No! I'm a noted fertility clinic - I don't make shit up.
drsaw2: oh.ok.
Cum Recepticle: So, what can I do for you?
drsaw2: well, i didn;t know you were a fertility clinic, so i don't know
Cum Recepticle: Oh.
Cum Recepticle: So, you're into cybersex, right?
drsaw2: i'm into all sex. u?
Cum Recepticle: I'm a sperm bank, for crying out loud! I don't have sex, I have maintanence checks and get power bills.
drsaw2: ok
Cum Recepticle: However, if you were interested, my staff could purchase some of your semen from you.
drsaw2: how would i get it to u?
Cum Recepticle: You'd put it in a manilla envelope and send it to us Priority Mail.
Cum Recepticle: If you don't get it here in 2-3 days it'll go bad.
drsaw2: oh ok. can you do anything to help me get it out?
Cum Recepticle: Possibly. First, I need you to remove your pants and underwear/boxers.
drsaw2: ok
Cum Recepticle: Okay, do you have a webcam or digital camera or anything? This'll be easier if I can see what you're doing.
drsaw2: no. i don't sorry
Cum Recepticle: Okay. Well, we can do this still, but it may take longer.
Cum Recepticle: Next, go get some vaseline. It'll make the next step easier.
drsaw2: ok
Cum Recepticle: That was quick. You're one sick puppy...
drsaw2: i told you. i like sex
Cum Recepticle: Right.
Cum Recepticle: Okay, here's what you're going to do -
Cum Recepticle: put vaseline on the index and middle finger of your left hand, and REPLACE those fingers into your rectum.
Cum Recepticle: There's a spot in the upper-front quadrant of your colon that, if pressure is applied to, will cause you to have an uncontrollable orgasm.
drsaw2: but i don't do it that way
Cum Recepticle: Before you apply the pressure, be sure to have the manilla envelope placed securely over your penis, so as to collect all the semen.
Cum Recepticle: Oh, okay...how do you want to do it then?
Cum Recepticle: As long as you deposit your load into the envelope, it doesn't matter how you get it out.
drsaw2: i was looking for a young girl
Cum Recepticle: BTW, I suggest you write all the mailing information on the envelope before ejaculating into it, it's kind of difficult to write on it once it's soggy.
Cum Recepticle: Hm, could you go down to the local Red Light District and pick up a young girl? Would that work?
drsaw2: probably not
Cum Recepticle: Damn. Do you have a sister or cousin nearby?
drsaw2: no
drsaw2: i've thought of that
Cum Recepticle: Is your mother around?
drsaw2: too old
Cum Recepticle: I'm sure you have thought about that...*sighs*
Cum Recepticle: Right, well..hmm...
Cum Recepticle: I guess that answers the question of whether or not you could go to a nearby graveyard.
drsaw2: yup
Cum Recepticle: Hm. What city do you live in?
drsaw2: miami
Cum Recepticle: Go down to the Miami Zoo, I'm sure you can find a primate of your liking there.
drsaw2: where are you?
Cum Recepticle: *sighs* I'm in Baiting, west Illinois.
drsaw2: no one there that could help me?
Cum Recepticle: Oh, yes.
drsaw2: who?
Cum Recepticle: My trained staff can help you donate, no problem.
drsaw2: how do you mean?
Cum Recepticle: You'll have to come here, of course, and the nurse will have to stick her fingers into your ass, but it'll work.
drsaw2: oh ok
Cum Recepticle: Our trained professionals cannot stick their index and middle fingers into your anus from across the country. We're not Quantum Physicists or anything.
drsaw2: ok
Cum Recepticle: It'd really be easiest if you were to find some pornography on the internet, masturbate to it, and deposit your semen into the manilla envelope addressed to the Western Fertility Center of Illinois.
Cum Recepticle: (send Priority Mail, of course)
drsaw2: can you send me a pic?
Cum Recepticle: yeah, hold on a sec
drsaw2: ok
Cum Recepticle: Damn...sorry, but I'm unable to find a picture of our advanced facility, complete with photos of the labs and rest area.
Cum Recepticle: It really is beautiful in the fall.
drsaw2: oh well. guess i'll talk to you later
Cum Recepticle: Okay. Remember - mail us that semen for some quick cash!

Q: What's Red And Can't Get Out Of A Corner
A: A Baby with a Javelin through it's head!

:D:D:D:D

dead baby jokes suck...something more to add to the list.

Stop them please...as they are not funny but boring like hell...*yawns*

what do you get when a smurf relieves himself on your lawn...

bluegrass

no?

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and
reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car
break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On
regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring
at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to
have three stitches in his forehead.

Jokes ok ...
As long as there's nothing silly as jokes on aids, cancer, dead babies and all that

Geoff

Hot damn! My favourite joke involves a baby with both cancer AND Aids.

Really ? the other one you posted was silly as hell too ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The barman says: "What is this? Some sort of joke?"
_________________________________________________________

Margaret Thatcher and her cabinet are having a post-conference meal in a swanky restaurant. The head waiter approaches deferentially and,
naturally, asks Mrs. Thatcher what she would like first. She replies:

"Sirloin steak, rare".

The waiter says: "And the vegetables, ma'am?"

"They'll have the same."

Apologies for Brit-centricness of last joke, but I'm sure most people have heard of Margaret Thatcher.

This isn't a joke but sooooooo silly, lol

http://www.opane.com/marshimaro.html

george bush...

ok..
heres a real one

two old ladies sitting at a park bench. A flasher runs up and opens his coat revealing all. One faints, the other has a stroke.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son...Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...etc..."

A bandit rushes in the sperm bank:
"HANDS UP EVERYBODY!! THIS IS A HOLD UP!!"
He goes to the woman behind the desk:
"You come with me to the chest!"
"But sir, this is a sperm bank, we got no money..."
"SHUT UP BITCH!!"
So she goes with him....
"OPEN THE DOOR!!!"
So she opens the chest and uncovers its "tresures"...
"Take a glass and drink!"
"WHAT!? But it's disgusting, I can't do this!"
"DRINK OR I'LL KILL EVERYBODY!!!"
So she sacrifices herself for all the people in the sperm bank and she drinks a full glass of icy cum! Then the man takes off a mask and says:
"See Darling? It's not so difficult...."

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Billy Bob!
This here is Joe Bob, Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy"

One for the ladies...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Some killer jokes on here I've been using quite a few of them

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

A West Virginian boy approaches his mother one sunny afternoon.
"Mom, can I talk to you?" he says. His mom puts down her reading material and levels her eyes at her son.
"Of course Johnny. You can always talk to me."
"Well, Mom, this deals with... well, girls." Johnny's mom gets an understanding look across her face. Johnny is fourteen; that tender age where young men and women begin to discover each other for the first time.
"It's okay Johnny. Tell me what's on your mind."
"Well, Susan and I have been seeing a lot of each other recently."
"Oh, Susan! I remember you bringing her over! You two are... an item?"
Johnny blushes. "Sorta... yes."
"Go on," his mother beckons.
"We've been going together for a little while, and things are getting... intense." His mother smiles.
"You mean sex, Johnny," she says with a loving smile.
"Yeah... we tried."
"What's bothering you Johnny?"
"Well, when we had sex, I found out..."
"Yes?"
"Well, Susan's a virgin..."
At this point, Johnny's mom gets a look of shock and outrage on her face.
"Johnny! I want you to stop talking to this girl at once! I don't want you to have anything to do with her!"
"But Mom!"
"No buts, Johnny," his mom continues, "If Susan's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours!"

Told to me by a true West Virginianer