How many Mods does it take to change a light bulb?...ONLY JOKING!!!

just one - to delete the offensive bulb.



oh, and you'll be hard pushed to find a dj who preferred the original! just a side note.


---- screwtape ----

"There can be only one!!"

Hey I come from METAL DJ team in central London and 9 times out of ten the original is better man!!! Exception - TEN MASKED MEN (see theres the joke)

Does it pay well to dj in London? Seems like a cool job!

I want to do that too!

where do you DJ, HK? i'm not metal, i'm breaks and beats.


---- screwtape ----

"One of these days, I'm gonna learn how to sign my name properly."

to answer screwtape and finnatlondon in one go! NO it pays shit like everywhere else when you play at metal and rock clubs (although i do a cheese rock club on friday's where its fun cos i get to do silly things like playing Kiss and BonJovi all night)!! And I work for REDALERT/B-PEOPLE/NOT ANOTHER SHIT INDIE NIGHT AND CARLING ACADEMY ISLINGTON (see i keep busy at nights)

Its more fun than anything else.. The only tim ewe make anything approaching REAL money is putting on events like New Years Rockscene and stuff!

My opinion is always if you dont like your club scene then DJ yourself and make it better!

i was tempted to have a go (with my 300+ metal cds) but since I've stopped going to rock clubs i stopped caring

i was tempted to have a go (with my 300+ metal cds) but since I've stopped going to rock clubs i stopped caring

See the scene in London is starting to get a bit diluted so we are starting to move out a bit towards surrey and do one offs n stuff! tends to be more fun and new crowds are always cool

always. i only do occasional guesties cos my collection isn't consistent enough. i can pull out a decent hour's set from my vinyl but not much more, it's too varied. good for warmups though.

i live with a guy who has about 60 breaks vinyl, so he's in a much better position than me, but he doesn't try to get proper gigs.

i bought about 115 drum n bass vinyl from a mate so once i've got through all that i'll be able to play some of that too!!

need some of my own decks.... badly.

---- screwtape ----

"It's not funny! My ass is on fire!! I'm not kidding...."

I can't particularly be bothered reading through the list to see if this one's up (due to the fact that there are too many pages, and I'm tired), so here goes!

Mouse walks into a Pub and asks the Barman "Do you have Any Cheese?". The Barman shakes his head and says "No! We have no Cheese!". The mouse walks out. The Next Day, the same Mouse walks into the same Pub and says "Do you have ANY Cheese?". The Barman says to the mouse "Look. If you come in tomorrow asking for cheese, I will nail you to the floor! Now get out of here!". The mouse leaves!

The Next Day, the mouse walks in....

"Have you got any Nails?"
"No!"
"Well, Have You Any Cheese Then?"

:D:D:D
I am killing me!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, "Based upon the facts before me, I've decided to give your wife $750 per month."
The husband smiles and says, "That's great. Heck, I'll even throw in a few bucks myself."

Ba-dum-tish!

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yes'am they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through he oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Mumma replied, "Well, yes--it makes it easier. When its time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names"

Q: What's Red And Can't Get Out Of A Corner
A: A Baby with a Javelin through it's head!

:D:D:D:D

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other:

"You drive and I'll man the guns!"

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse, Alone!'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Listen carefully, for the last time, I said ........BRING POSSE!'

Job Ad Phrases Defined

Advancement opportunity:
Crap job.

Entry level:
Really crap job.

No experience necessary:
The mother of all crap jobs.

Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential:
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations:
Receptionist

Professional appearance important:
£20K/yr job that requires a £100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range £14,000 to £24,000:
The salary is £14,000

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train:
Prior conviction police record no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service:
This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Women & minorities encouraged to apply:
White males need not waste the stamp.

Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills:
Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary:
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in the company

Dedicated:
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable :
We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary:
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
50p above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.