but on the bright side you will be able to eat and pay rent when you get back.

[Keeker]

A cold. I have one.

[Octillus]

but on the bright side you will be able to eat and pay rent when you get back.

I've been working basically 7 days (this previous weekend excepted) since early October so they could make the days count like they would as if I hadn't left. So that's not going to be a problem and I'm going to have a nice little egg when I return, but I really would like to be able to enjoy my trip a bit more. Oh well.

today i'm getting hit with a dose of how shitty it is to still live with my parents. my mom is bipolar and has no desire to manage it. she's been up and down for as long as i can remember, but when i was abut 10 she started taking medications for it. an endless, ever-changing string of medications. as a result of the fucked up drug cocktails and plain old unwillingness to get better, she became abusive and completely unhinged at the extremes of her moods. she never learned how to manage herself, or if she did, she chooses not to. she smokes a shit-ton of pot for it though, which actually helps a great deal but does nothing to teach her actual coping skills. she's had cancer multiple times, has it again now and she's going to die from this round. HOW many times have her various doctors told her to shut the fuck up, go outside and walk around the block once a day? get a hobby. make a friend. basic shit like that. but she never does it. she never even tries. i'm convinced that this is why she's the way she is. when she doesn't like the advice she gets, she flips out and demands a new doctor. when they finally figure out what's wrong with her, she develops new symptoms and we start all over again. she doesn't like her medications and wants something new which brings on a whole new round of side effects to deal with.

i'm also bipolar (THANKS, MA!), but because i chose to teach myself how to deal with it (i prefer "back and forth" to "up and down") and how to "let it out" in ways that are not destructive to people around me, i don't have any fucking sympathy or empathy for her because of the extreme disharmony she's creating ad the direct harm she's caused me. my dad just walks away and lets her rage. he's probably still in contact with the woman he had an affair with when we lived in california and he takes off for days at a time by himself to get away from my mom. i can't fucking blame him, but it's hard to watch her be left alone by her husband like that. i can't offer her comfort because i don't know how, i don't want to and she'll just lash out at me anyway. she knows exactly how to push my buttons and create conflict to fuel her victim complex. all i can do is lock my door and hope she doesn't direct herself at me when she sees a pan i left dirty on the stove while i eat the food i JUST cooked in it. i don't know how it happened, but i'm her scapegoat. considering that, i feel somewhat justified in hiding while she flips out. you know, beat a dog so many times, right?

i know what i need to do, because i've done it before. i need to pick up and move the fuck out and start from scratch. it's worked three times before, but the results have fallen through by little fault of my own. the first time, i chose the wrong people to live with. the second time i moved in with a boyfriend who i also worked with, and we broke up (ok, that was stupid on all fronts, but i learned from it) and the last time, the job screwed me out of all my hours and the stress outweighed the pocket change i was earning.
it's just that i don't have any friends in the position to put me up right now. i don't have anywhere to live while i hustle and get my shit rolling. living here is soul-sucking. i find it difficult to manage my own problems here and i just end up holed up in my room drinking coffee listening to music when i'm not knocking myself out for 16 hours a day. i'm not really trying to make excuses for myself, but living with abusive people and being surrounded by deterioration doesn't create positive motivation. as hard as i think i am, i need a lot of hand-holding and high-fives and food rewards when navigating real life in the external world.

i hope that by the time i'm her age, i'll have beat all feelings out of myself simply to avoid causing anyone the kind of pain shes caused me. in the meantime, i'm trying to be thankful for the positive, healthy relationships i'm maintaining despite the freakishly bad model i was presented with by my parents and for my own drive to not let my problems control me.

sorry that was kind of a rant, but i don't really have anyone to blow mental chunks at. here's something funny: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2 ... piral.html

I'm still with me ma & da which is kinda rubbish cause I'm 23, as my sister had already been living down on the coast for five years by that age. I nearly moved to Bristol last year after getting fed up of people and studios in London, but circumstances have changed dramatically the past few months and I have to stay in the city (which is FUUUUCKING expensive to live in as it is). But once I've got a slightly more liveable income, I'll look for somewhere nearby (as I built myself a pretty decent home studio here), and when the folks decide to downsize, I'll rent/buy off them as they don't wanna see the mini industrial estate go to waste and I don't think I'd ever find somewhere as convenient. So it's all good in the longrun I guess!

I HAVE FIBREGLASS ITCHIES. I did it in a paper suit, filter mask, double gloves....and crocs. So the tops of my feeties are itchy as fuuuuuck. And the resin we're using is different to the shit I'm used to (I usually use Polyfibre100, this is Polyfibre915 which is fire graded), any inch of skin on you that comes into contact with it GOES RED. Had the teeeniest drip fly out at my eyebrow earlier and now the majority of my forehead looks like I've been giving myself a nettle facial. THIS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. Someone owes me a milkshake for all this.

So it's all good in the longrun I guess!

i think about that a lot. as hard as it's been for me to successfully get out from under them, it's given me time to learn how to get by without much. i don't have any debt and i've never learned to rely on a car to get around because i was always too broke to afford it back when i thought it would be nice to have one.

I still don't have a car, but as I was saying this evening to a girl I was working with, I'm probably Halford's best customer for car body filler, who ironically does not own a car...meanwhile she's buying up all her local bike store's BMX replacement brakes when she doesn't even ride a bike...oh the lulz of the FX artist world!

http://vimeo.com/17778010

THIS! This is horrible! I started crying when I saw it and had to listen to happysongs to stop.

^That made me uncomfortable.

Here's a WTF for ya:


High school bullshit.

today i'm getting hit with a ...
sorry that was kind of a rant, but i don't really have anyone to blow mental chunks at. here's something funny: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2 ... piral.html

Hope the situation settles for you, I gotta say moving out, and staying out of my parents house really helped alot in my relations with them. The downside is having those responsibilities, and working a corporate job to pay for the roof over my head, and the food on my plate. But then I've always been the loner, so being able to be only reliant on myself is great. No room-mates or anything.

[Octillus]

I think I'm over and done with San Francisco.

San Francisco was pretty awesome when I visited. Maybe not so much for living, dunno.

I think I'm over and done with San Francisco.

Move to Penge.

After being absolutely fine all year, I've just been told by the doctor I have an ear infection. A week before the four Devy shows in London. Why does this have to happen NOW?!

[Octillus]

After being absolutely fine all year, I've just been told by the doctor I have an ear infection. A week before the four Devy shows in London. Why does this have to happen NOW?!

Like I said in the other thread, you'll be surprised how fast antibiotics work.