Hahaha.

You may have to explain that one for the American members.

Only the ones from the south.

Q. How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen use?

A. Enough to kill two and a half men.

Ooh snap!

How many Muammar Gaddafis does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

This was so wtf that I lol'd. "There are 2 things that I regret most in my life... 1. How many times I fucked up. 2.naming my dog up"

EWWWWW!

What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?


Mahat Mahcoat.

What do you call a redneck who doesn't fuck his sister?

A bad husband.

[swervedriver]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’. Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. ‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie. ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’. She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’. Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie. ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’. She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’. Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE , WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’. Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly, ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’

Just found this thread, these may be repeats:

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out of it.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
You can drop a load in the washing machine, and it won't follow you around for three days.

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
1) You can't fit the blonde inside the bowling ball
2) You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball
3) Nothing, they are both round and have 3 holes to poke.

wat

But seriously, I died after reading the first one.

I want to die happily in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and panicking like his passengers.

The next few are courtesy of Spike Milligan:

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right hand to prove it.

A paedophile, a homosexual and a priest walk into a bar...

He orders a drink.

Why God never received tenure at a university:

1. Because he only had one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a reference journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some doubt if he even wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since?
7. The scientific community had a rather tough time trying to replicate the results.
8. He rarely came to class; just told his students to read the book.
9. He expelled his first two students for learning.
10. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed his tests.
11. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Two Finns were out in the woods hunting. Suddenly one of them collapses and falls unconscious. His companion immediately calls the emergency number and said: "Help! My friend died! What should I do?"

The person at the other end of the line replies with a calming voice: "Relax, it's my job to help. First, make sure he really is dead."

The line goes silent for a short while, until the silence is broken by a sound of a gunshot and the Finn replies: "Done. Now what?"

Okay, joke is a little, um, in bad taste, but watched "Lemmy" a documentary about Lemmy, last night, and he told it - I couldn't stop laughing.

How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream, 2 scoops of dead baby.

Anal sex is a lot like Christmas, it is better to give than to receive.

Edited as previous entry was not funny, and written in haste.
This isn't much funnier, of course.