[JuZ]

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

So true, it's beyond funny... Actually, it's not funny at all! This happens to me almost very day, whilst driving to work.

Also applies to supermarket checkouts.

BUT, if you get to insult an old lady, its worth it

Here's a joke for y'all:



(Except it's real)

I'll follow this up with:

Metallica - The Unforgiven III

http://www.metallica.com/index.asp?item=601036


lolz

Hehe yeah, Metallica have turned into a joke band, no-one takes them serious anymore :p

Hehe yeah, Metallica have turned into a joke band, no-one takes them serious anymore :p

Dude, they have robot's anus on the cover.

uh... you sure on that?

Guy dies and goes to hell
Even worse, he's in a huge DMV type line up. As he's aproaching the gates of hell he can see through the fence, Satan, tossing the wretched souls one by one into the lake of fire as they come to him. The the now souless 'bodies' meanwhile, shuffle off in another line to their eternitiies of torture and temptation unfufilled.But every once in a while, ol' Split Foot tosses one or two souls onto alittle pile off next to his desk.
The guy gets close enough to holler to the Devil through the fence. "Excuse me, mister Prince of Darkness, sir... Could I ask what you are doing tossing those odd souls into that pile there?"
'What, those?' he says, nodding to the growing stack."They're from Vancouver.....way too wet to burn right away!"

http://uktv.co.uk/dave/item/aid/604717

British weather: it's just like a Muslim, either Sunni or Shi'ite.

First Time Sex


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. So he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time, and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

First Time Sex


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. So he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time, and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

ive heard/read this one before!! or maybe even watched it somewhere! now i wont sleep till i find out where is it i saw/heard/read it

Curtain Rods

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods, cleaned up the kitchen, and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off a gas canister, during which they had to move out for a few days, and they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Thinking his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods.

I'm torn between "awesome", "un-awesome" and this thread. But I think it fits here the most.

This is real life one. We had horrible storms and some nasty tornado yesterday (three people dead so far), with further attractions predicted for today. What's in the primetime on main channel of national TV? Well, yesterday it was "Waterworld". Today evening we got "Twister".

http://youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8aT0UFc
This Batman spoof just made me crap with hahaha. The same comedian is doing both characters.

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac contortionist with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End