somehow these last ones have failed to elicit any emotion whatsoever from me, im becoming a tobor

No you're not, I felt the same way aboot them.

What? That man walks into a bar... was hilarious. Actually It's only joke here that got me laugh.

I don't see how that could be funny? Alcoholics walk in and out of bars all the fucking time, no big deal.

My generic reaction to those 'jokes' was "ah, ok" instead of laughter.

Maybe the funny thing is that some people think this is fun. Although that's actually rather sad.

Well I think they rule because they make fun of jokes.
I hate jokes. 99,99999% of them are useless and boring. There are two to 500 sentences and then a punchline in the end that is supposed to make you laugh. Man WTF!? That's exactly like a sitcom with laughs already recorded.

I hope you can understand my crappy english.

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of Shit every year from drinking water.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.

WATER = Shit

RUM, WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself from Shit, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Shit than to drink water and be full of Shit.

Even that won't save us
Shit is a great fertilizer.

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of Shit every year from drinking water.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.

WATER = Shit

RUM, WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself from Shit, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Shit than to drink water and be full of Shit.

You are my god

How do you entertain 4 gay men in a bar/pub?

turn the stool upside down

How do you entertain 4 gay men in a bar/pub?

turn the stool upside down

Wouldn't that work just as well for chicks? Why just gay men?

How do you entertain 4 gay men in a bar/pub?

turn the stool upside down

Wouldn't that work just as well for chicks? Why just gay men?

Because gay men are easier to victimise!

how did pinnochio find out he was made of wood?

he was having a wank and his hand caught fire.

scientific studies show 99% of men would luv to be a tablecloth, its theonly chance in hell they have of getting laid 3 times a day and pulled off last thing at night.

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of Shit every year from drinking water.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.

WATER = Shit

RUM, WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself from Shit, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Shit than to drink water and be full of Shit.

and the water here has arsenic, jolly absurd amounts of the thing. but i still rather get poisoned that way than by drinking alcohol, its just not my thing

This topic was for jokes Dunkelheit

yes i know...

im just no good at telling jokes

but here's one

whats the difference between right and correct?

a finger up your ass, it fits right, but its not correct

(its a translation so it mightnt sound so good in english)

Actually, I thought it was rather good.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

What a cruel woman

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.