HEVYDEVY FORUMS

has devin ever mentioned how having a child affected him mentally? I think i few life through a similar lens and i'm about to turn 28 and am just having a lot of anxiety lately that is really just.....disorganized.....like it doesnt really have any kind of direction enough for me to figure out exactly what it is i need to change....almost like a quarter-life crisis.

this might be a normal thing, who knows....i'd just like to hear from him specifically how he felt about the entire thing

sorry for being weird, toodles.

My first (and so far only) child was born when I was about your age. To say it is a life-changing experience is an understatement. If you are not anxious, confused, unsettled, and extremely distraught about having your entire life change after that one final "push, " then there may be something to worry about. Having a baby messes with your head, big time. Bringing a new life in this wonderful and terrifying world, and being entirely responsible for that life and it's well-being, is an enormous psychological burden. You will freak out on occasion. You will doubt everything. You will feel completely unworthy.

But you know what? You get through it. After all is said and done, you'll realize it is all worth it, and then some.

I'm not sure if Devin has ever discussed publicly exactly what he went though when his child was born, though he has acknowledged that it pretty much changed everything for him. If he doesn't feel like talking openly about it, you may want to try sending him a private message.

thank you for your post....i'll extrapolate a bit about what i'm thinking

lately i've been semi-obsessing over the notion that i'm supposed to be having a child with my wife right now.....i have this creeping feeling like the bulk of possibilities in my life and come and gone and that i've been having this semi-anxiety/depression because at this point in my life MY life is over and i should be focusing on bringing another life into the world

i'm wondering about how he (or you) felt prior to the pregnancy and then after the child was born....if he felt more "fulfilled" i guess i would say

sorry, sounds like a really weird question on the surface

i've never really EVER been anxious about anything...feels bad man.

All I can say is follow your heart, brother. Focus on what is, rather than what should be, and be happy with whatever happens.

cmbezln wrote:thank you for your post....i'll extrapolate a bit about what i'm thinking

lately i've been semi-obsessing over the notion that i'm supposed to be having a child with my wife right now.....i have this creeping feeling like the bulk of possibilities in my life and come and gone and that i've been having this semi-anxiety/depression because at this point in my life MY life is over and i should be focusing on bringing another life into the world

I called mine the "mourning" phase. Yes, your life as you've known it will be gone and done the second that child is born. And yes, the many branches your life may have taken, and many of the opportunities you may have once had will be closed to you. People always tell us that having a baby is a huge step, but I don't think anyone actually understands that until it actually happens to them. To have a child is not a decision to be made lightly, that's for sure.

It is perfectly normal to mourn and stress about the life you once had, and the life you thought you could have possibly had before a child became a part of. However, once that child is born, your focus automatically turns to your new life, because it is real and it is there, and you have to man-up and deal with it for their sake. You won't have time to mourn what was and what may have been. So, if you're going to do it, now is the time.

I'll be honest, my wife and I didn't plan on having a child. We weren't even married at the time she became pregnant. I had grand plans for my life back then, but the second I got my wife pregnant, all those plans went out the window. I had to give up a huge part of my life. I had to get the dreaded day job to support my new family, I had to cut way back on time spent with friends, I had to give up a lot of hobbies, etc. I mourned the hell out of losing all that. I was also incredibly pissed at myself for not being more careful. Not that my wife and I didn't want children, but I felt that the timing was not right. Even feeling that way, I didn't regret it. If I had the power to change it, I wouldn't have, even when I was at my angriest or most anxious moments.

"Life-changing" doesn't even close to describing what having a baby is like. Who you think you are and who you think you were meant to be doesn't matter now. What you are is a dad, for the rest of your life. So don't feel weird about having selfish thoughts right now, or wallowing in self-pity. Do what you have to do to prepare yourself for what is to come. When the time is right, you'll snap out of it and do what is necessary. I guarantee your new life will be much better than anything you could have ever accomplished otherwise.

Saturn comes back around...

I don't have any kids (in fact, I'm a recovering introvert/socially-awkward oddball who has never even had a girlfriend... ), but I can definitely say, if you feel like the river of life is just kinda dragging you along without giving you any say in where you're going, then its probably because you lack some real goals for yourself (I was in this boat for a while recently...minus a paddle of course). Figure out what you want out of life. Do you want to live more financially stable and less stressfully? Do you want your kid(s) to grow up in a safe though open-minded environment, so they can truly know how to best handle what life throws at them? Do you want them to attend a good college and be successful? Do you and (probably) your wife want to visit some nice places without worrying too much about expenses, time constraints, among other bummer types of things?

Only once you know what you really want out of life, only then can you go on a quest to figure out how exactly to attain them (for example, merely starting this thread might be you begining your quest). For me personally, financial independence is my biggest goal, and I'd like to be able to find a good lady in the process and raise a family and write a bunch of music and travel all sorts of places and do a bunch of things and be happy and blah blah blah etc. Having goals gives me a sense of direction in life, and I think that mere sense gives me more peace of mind and happiness than anything. It might help you, as well.

Best of luck, brotha

ppinkham wrote:

cmbezln wrote:thank you for your post....i'll extrapolate a bit about what i'm thinking

lately i've been semi-obsessing over the notion that i'm supposed to be having a child with my wife right now.....i have this creeping feeling like the bulk of possibilities in my life and come and gone and that i've been having this semi-anxiety/depression because at this point in my life MY life is over and i should be focusing on bringing another life into the world

I called mine the "mourning" phase. Yes, your life as you've known it will be gone and done the second that child is born. And yes, the many branches your life may have taken, and many of the opportunities you may have once had will be closed to you. People always tell us that having a baby is a huge step, but I don't think anyone actually understands that until it actually happens to them. To have a child is not a decision to be made lightly, that's for sure.

It is perfectly normal to mourn and stress about the life you once had, and the life you thought you could have possibly had before a child became a part of. However, once that child is born, your focus automatically turns to your new life, because it is real and it is there, and you have to man-up and deal with it for their sake. You won't have time to mourn what was and what may have been. So, if you're going to do it, now is the time.

I'll be honest, my wife and I didn't plan on having a child. We weren't even married at the time she became pregnant. I had grand plans for my life back then, but the second I got my wife pregnant, all those plans went out the window. I had to give up a huge part of my life. I had to get the dreaded day job to support my new family, I had to cut way back on time spent with friends, I had to give up a lot of hobbies, etc. I mourned the hell out of losing all that. I was also incredibly pissed at myself for not being more careful. Not that my wife and I didn't want children, but I felt that the timing was not right. Even feeling that way, I didn't regret it. If I had the power to change it, I wouldn't have, even when I was at my angriest or most anxious moments.

"Life-changing" doesn't even close to describing what having a baby is like. Who you think you are and who you think you were meant to be doesn't matter now. What you are is a dad, for the rest of your life. So don't feel weird about having selfish thoughts right now, or wallowing in self-pity. Do what you have to do to prepare yourself for what is to come. When the time is right, you'll snap out of it and do what is necessary. I guarantee your new life will be much better than anything you could have ever accomplished otherwise.

that's what's really hard to figure out right now.....i'm relatively young and would be the first of people in my circle of friends to have a child (all my friends are not married, not even close) and im grappling with wanting to PURSUE having a baby with my wife (shes not pregnant right now, im not sure if i was clear about that) and focusing on my freedom. It's just such a huge step and what you have just said kind of solidified that for me and i appreciate your insight.

i just need to address this rampant anxiety im experiencing right now....either by abandoning my life i have now or by taking it to the next level.

...oiy

No OnE wrote:Saturn comes back around...

I don't have any kids (in fact, I'm a recovering introvert/socially-awkward oddball who has never even had a girlfriend... ), but I can definitely say, if you feel like the river of life is just kinda dragging you along without giving you any say in where you're going, then its probably because you lack some real goals for yourself (I was in this boat for a while recently...minus a paddle of course). Figure out what you want out of life. Do you want to live more financially stable and less stressfully? Do you want your kid(s) to grow up in a safe though open-minded environment, so they can truly know how to best handle what life throws at them? Do you want them to attend a good college and be successful? Do you and (probably) your wife want to visit some nice places without worrying too much about expenses, time constraints, among other bummer types of things?

Only once you know what you really want out of life, only then can you go on a quest to figure out how exactly to attain them (for example, merely starting this thread might be you begining your quest). For me personally, financial independence is my biggest goal, and I'd like to be able to find a good lady in the process and raise a family and write a bunch of music and travel all sorts of places and do a bunch of things and be happy and blah blah blah etc. Having goals gives me a sense of direction in life, and I think that mere sense gives me more peace of mind and happiness than anything. It might help you, as well.

Best of luck, brotha

i'm actually experiencing exactly the opposite right now....i make really good money for my age (especially with no college degree) and as time goes on and on...it makes me want to abandon all materialism.

i've been doing a lot of moving lately, just moved back to chicago from the las vegas area and after you do a lot of travelling around it just plants this weird seed in your head....like an itch you cant scratch.

I also bore witness to a lot of death and just people wasting away out in the desert....and ever since i have this weird anxiety about fear of death and fear of stagnation.....that compiled with the fact that i've always been extremely anti-materialistic makes for an instable situation when i try to reconcile that with a wife and potential family, buying a house, etc etc.

i also have a compulsion to obsess over where my life is, where it should be....just seeing a lot of meaning that isnt really there (the kind of which i see mr. townsend grappling with) i just don't have a creative outlet for my frustration

There's no way to put it into words.

I think the next two record are the best way I can describe it.

It's been like being enrolled at Gods university the past 4 years...

Ashamed, profoundly awed, fragile, hard as nails, terrifying, resilient.

I am humbled just to participate.

I don't know what else to say... I was a self server and now I can't be. It's not something you can recommend or warn against.

It makes acid seem like crass, high school playgames.

Come what may...

That last one is a good analogy Dev, makes it clear that things are more mature now.
All we can do is carry on fellas, kids or no kids!

The Dev wrote:There's no way to put it into words.

I think the next two record are the best way I can describe it.

It's been like being enrolled at Gods university the past 4 years...

Ashamed, profoundly awed, fragile, hard as nails, terrifying, resilient.

I am humbled just to participate.

I don't know what else to say... I was a self server and now I can't be. It's not something you can recommend or warn against.

It makes acid seem like crass, high school playgames.

Come what may...

thanks devin

if you don't mind me asking, how did it help (or did it at all) with any unrelated anxiety or general mental chaos you had previously?

i guess i mean.....did it feel "right" at the time?

cmbezln wrote:

The Dev wrote:There's no way to put it into words.

I think the next two record are the best way I can describe it.

It's been like being enrolled at Gods university the past 4 years...

Ashamed, profoundly awed, fragile, hard as nails, terrifying, resilient.

I am humbled just to participate.

I don't know what else to say... I was a self server and now I can't be. It's not something you can recommend or warn against.

It makes acid seem like crass, high school playgames.

Come what may...

thanks devin

if you don't mind me asking, how did it help (or did it at all) with any unrelated anxiety or general mental chaos you had previously?

i guess i mean.....did it feel "right" at the time?

In my case, having a child did not make anxiety/mental chaos go away; it just shifted its focus. Like others have mentioned, it will change your life profoundly; it's not something you can prepare for...and I don't think anyone ever truly feels "ready" for it. When my daughter was born, my entire world changed: things that were important to me (career goals, obsessive/compulsive habits, etc.) became insignificant, and at the same time, things that I never even contemplated before (life insurance, a healthier lifestyle, etc.) became quite important. Yes, I had to deal with the fact that I could no longer be 100% selfish, but I think that turned out to be a good thing. As a musician, hainvg a child suddenly made my songwriting efforts more profound...I was no longer writing for myself...I was writing for my daughter. My guitars (for example) were no longer just instruments, they were now heirlooms. Like Devin said, it's not something one can either recommend or warn against. However, if you get in the situation where you are expecting a child, let me offer a single piece of advice: enjoy every little second of it.

Yeah I have to say the whole kids thing has been in the back of my mind when making some major life decisions this year.
I hit 30 this year (well, last year now, 2010), and realised that I needed to make some major changes now, if they were ever going to happen.

Part of me has always wanted to move abroad, but I guess it was that fear of having a kid in the UK and likely being trapped there for the rest of my life with nothing but regrets, that has spurred me on to do it.

So the wife and I have upped sticks and moved to Canadanadia, where the games-industry job prospects and wages are much better (tax breaks), and I can finally get a chance to live in a big city.

If you're in your late 20s/early 30s and there are still open doors that you will regret not taking, if having a kid is going to close them, then start making them happen right now. I can think of few things worse than looking back and thinking about all the things I could have done, but didn't.

I would say having children actually helped me focus on what I really did want to do and cut away alot of the flim-flam and unimportant shit I spent so much time getting sidetracked with. And being responsible for otehr people's lives does wonders for making you realise how trivial all the shit you worried about before was.

If I have one regret it would probably be that I didn't start having children ten years earlier (I was 37 first time round) as parenting gets more physically demanding the older you are and I always wanted to be an 'active Dad' in terms of doing sports and outdoor stuff with my kids.

Before my first child was born I agonised over the whole thing almost nonstop for 9 months. All the stuff I was giving up, all the stuff I would never get to do, and most of all, whether I could possibly be a good parent.

What I learned when she was born was all the stuff I gained outweighed the stuff I lost immeasurably, I got to do loads of other stuff I had never even dreamed of and if you care and work hard at being a parent chances are you're doing it right.

I don't have any kids myself (yet), but I'm very close to my Godson; moreso than his proper aunt. I first saw him when he was a few hours old and every time I see him it fills me with love and pride. It's incredible to see someone experience things for the first time in their life (Pushing a traffic light button, trying to eat a lemon, seeing a photo of himself and knowing it's him etc.), and no matter how low I feel at times, he always lights up the room with constant optimism and affection (and it amazes me that someone trusts me with their child while knowing I'd be feeding him chocolate sandwiches and swinging him by his ankles till he pukes). My neighbour who I was childhood friends with was told she'd have a one in a million chance of conception is 4 weeks away from having her "miracle" baby, and today I was talking to my Godson's mum about her and about having one's first child. She says that it's absolutely terrifying at first, but enjoy the ride, and it'll be the best thing you'll ever do. You won't get a decent night's sleep for 18 years, you'll be constantly attacking them with baby wipes till they're about five, your social life will revolve around dressing up boxes and pretending to be dinosaurs, and all your walls and furniture will be covered in "masterpieces"....oh, and don't EVER swear infront of them because they will repeat it for weeks. But kids are AWESOME. You'll be fantastic parents