It is a time of resolutions. I made one resolution many years ago and I have stuck to it. I resolved to no longer make resolutions. The following are some alternative affirmations for a new year:
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.
17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.
17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Two pedophiles are sitting on a beach, one says to the other 'Can you move over, you're in my son'.
How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they will just sit and cry in the dark...
How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they will just sit and cry in the dark...
If I could have just one more day on this earth (I would probably still just piss it away online)
A Nun and a Priest are going through a desert on a camel when up out of nowhere, the bastard camel just dies on the spot. The priest has assesed the situation and their whereabouts, after praying for a good 10 minutes he comes to the conclusion that with what water they have left, they will persih in days barring a miracle. The priest took this oppertunity, seized the day and decided 'Now or Never', went up to the nun and said 'Sister, no need to pray, our god has abandoned us. But I have something for you'. He then gestures down to reveal his crotch-meat in his hands.'What does it do?' asks the nun.
"It gives life' the priest says, desperate for an excuse.
"thats great, thank god' says the nun cheerfully 'Now stick it in the camel and we can get the heck out of here...'
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Limp Bizkit...
"It gives life' the priest says, desperate for an excuse.
"thats great, thank god' says the nun cheerfully 'Now stick it in the camel and we can get the heck out of here...'
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Limp Bizkit...
If I could have just one more day on this earth (I would probably still just piss it away online)
#64803 by mo
Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:34 pm
Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:34 pm
A an old lady was driving her VW beetle one day when she saw another old lady with a VW beetle, pulled over on the side of the road. She decided to help, so she pulls over and chats with the other lady who was looking into the open bonnet of her car.
OLD1: What seems to be the matter?
OLD2: I've broken down and it seems my engine is missing!!
OLD1: That's ok, I have a spare in the trunk/boot(for the aussies).
OLD1: What seems to be the matter?
OLD2: I've broken down and it seems my engine is missing!!
OLD1: That's ok, I have a spare in the trunk/boot(for the aussies).
#64805 by mo
Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:35 pm
Thu Jan 06, 2005 4:35 pm
Yok wrote:How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they will just sit and cry in the dark...
ahhhhhahahahaha classic
A Nun and a Priest are going through a desert on a camel when up out of nowhere, the bastard camel just dies on the spot. The priest has assesed the situation and their whereabouts, after praying for a good 10 minutes he comes to the conclusion that with what water they have left, they will persih in days barring a miracle. The priest took this oppertunity, seized the day and decided 'Now or Never', went up to the nun and said 'Sister, no need to pray, our god has abandoned us. But I have something for you'. He then gestures down to reveal his crotch-meat in his hands.'What does it do?' asks the nun.
"It gives life' the priest says, desperate for an excuse.
"thats great, thank god' says the nun cheerfully 'Now stick it in the camel and we can get the heck out of here...'
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Limp Bizkit...
2 best jokes ever, allmusic.com gave limp bizkit 4 stars... WTF?
http://www.myspace.com/bogofwog
http://www.rateyourmusic.com/~wogbog
"The irony of metal is that... WE LOVE YOU" -Devin Townsend
http://www.rateyourmusic.com/~wogbog
"The irony of metal is that... WE LOVE YOU" -Devin Townsend
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lammas class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
How do ya know you've been taking a RAW shit?
It still boils when coming out from your ass and after flushing you still feel half-cooked.
These are nasty ones when woke up somewhere you don't know, terrible hangover going on and just happened to find a toilet nearby.
It still boils when coming out from your ass and after flushing you still feel half-cooked.
These are nasty ones when woke up somewhere you don't know, terrible hangover going on and just happened to find a toilet nearby.
Call for vengeange, raise your steel
We are the knights of the glory right
Lo defenders, raise your swords
Freedom for us all!
We are the knights of the glory right
Lo defenders, raise your swords
Freedom for us all!
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
#71067 by mo
Mon Feb 14, 2005 10:06 pm
Mon Feb 14, 2005 10:06 pm
OK you ready for a real nasty one???
I'm probably gonna get hung for this one but hey, I'm adventurous.
DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!!
Q: What's the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: You get a blowjob at the same time!
I'm probably gonna get hung for this one but hey, I'm adventurous.
DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!!
Q: What's the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: You get a blowjob at the same time!
Aww shit mo!!! Disgusting! 
Two women went to bar one night and they had quite an alchol-wet evening. When bar closed, they went out to street and started walking home. After few hundred meters, they just had to go somewhere taking a pee. No toilets anywhere, it was so late that no bar was open anymore; so they continued walking. After few hundred meters more nothing could be done anymore, some place had to be found. And they saw a graveyard right ahead.
Ladies went there, made themselves contented and started to wonder what to use for wiping. Other one of them took her panties, wiped to them and threw them away in a bush nearby. Other didn't want to waste her expensive silk panties, and so she looked around. Just in front of her there was a new grave, filled with flowers and funeral wreaths. She took a piece from a memoriam ribbon and wiped in that; everything was ok and both women continued back home.
Next morning women's husbands called to each other, quite depressed. First one said:"I think we have to look after our wives a little more...mine came back home last night from a bar and she didn't have her panties anywhere." Other replied, almost sobbing:"Yes, mine came home too, and she did have her panties on. But there was a note in her ass saying 'Deeply and passionately missing you forever - with love, Manchester Football Team'..."
Two women went to bar one night and they had quite an alchol-wet evening. When bar closed, they went out to street and started walking home. After few hundred meters, they just had to go somewhere taking a pee. No toilets anywhere, it was so late that no bar was open anymore; so they continued walking. After few hundred meters more nothing could be done anymore, some place had to be found. And they saw a graveyard right ahead.
Ladies went there, made themselves contented and started to wonder what to use for wiping. Other one of them took her panties, wiped to them and threw them away in a bush nearby. Other didn't want to waste her expensive silk panties, and so she looked around. Just in front of her there was a new grave, filled with flowers and funeral wreaths. She took a piece from a memoriam ribbon and wiped in that; everything was ok and both women continued back home.
Next morning women's husbands called to each other, quite depressed. First one said:"I think we have to look after our wives a little more...mine came back home last night from a bar and she didn't have her panties anywhere." Other replied, almost sobbing:"Yes, mine came home too, and she did have her panties on. But there was a note in her ass saying 'Deeply and passionately missing you forever - with love, Manchester Football Team'..."
Call for vengeange, raise your steel
We are the knights of the glory right
Lo defenders, raise your swords
Freedom for us all!
We are the knights of the glory right
Lo defenders, raise your swords
Freedom for us all!
A man goes to the doctor to recieve the diagnosis results for his terribly ill wife.
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid we accidentally mixed her results with those of other patients, I can't tell you whether she has got Alzheimer or AIDS!
Man: what am I to do about this?!
Doctor: it's quite simple: take her to a supermarket downtown and drive home, if she finds her way back to your house, don't screw her.
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid we accidentally mixed her results with those of other patients, I can't tell you whether she has got Alzheimer or AIDS!
Man: what am I to do about this?!
Doctor: it's quite simple: take her to a supermarket downtown and drive home, if she finds her way back to your house, don't screw her.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron fist, then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
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