Hahaha, good one

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,

"How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in fucking genies?"

That's fucking funny. haha

This is my last one for now:

A woman is cheating on her husband during the day when he's at work. one day, her 9 year old son comes home early and catches them, so she puts him in the closet. Then her husband comes home, so she throws her lover in the closet with the kid.

The kid says "It sure is dark in here".

The guy says "Yep"

The kid says "I could use $50 for a new video game".

The guy says "No way".

Kid says "My dad is right outside"

The guy says "Fine." Pays the kid, escapes the closet.

The next day, the same thing happens. They end up in the closet together again.

The kid says "It sure is dark in here".

The guy says "Yep"

The kid says "I could use $75 for a new skateboard".

The guy says "Not happening".

Kid says "My dad is right outside"

The guy says "Fine." Pays the kid again, escapes the closet.

Later, the dad sees the kid come home with a new skateboard and video game. He asks his son where he got the money. The kid won't tell him, and the dad thinks he's stolen, so he takes him to church and puts him in the confessional.

The kid says "It sure is dark in here".

The priest says "Don't start that shit again".

[Keeker]

Lifted these from an article on the BBC news website. This years winners of the best jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:
• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

• 8 ) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

The judges sat through an average of 60 comedy performances each before creating a shortlist of 27 jokes.
More than 3,000 comedy fans voted, with almost 18% choosing Antopolski's one-liner.
Antopolski said: "I'm delighted to get the prize. Although I have won things before at the Fringe, this definitely means the most to me and that it should unite my loves of hedgehogs, comedy and Dave makes this prize very special."
The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe.

• Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."

• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging."

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."

6 9 and 10 were my favorites.
Lol

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give
you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like
the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you
twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

It all makes sense now.

It all makes sense now.

I agree. There is nothing else to say anymore.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.


The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'


'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..


A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'


The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.


'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man.


'Same,' says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?'


'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there....'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'


'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man..


The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'


The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Keeker]

The Monks
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even
a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...


"CELEBRATE!!!"

Only skimmed previous threads, so forgive any repetition:

An Irishman, a Mexican, and an Australian were all working on a high rise construction site, and took their break for lunch.
The Irishman opened up his lunch and shouted, "Corned beef and feckin' cabbage! I swear, if me wife packs me feckin' corned beef and cabbage again, I'll jump off this bloody building!"
The Mexican opens up his lunch and says, "Burritos again! If my wife makes me another goddamned burrito, I'm gonna jump off the building!"
The Australian opens up his lunch and says, "Vegemite again! If I get another bloody vegemite sandwich, I'll jump off the building with yous!"
The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch, finds corned beef and cabbage, and leaps off the scaffold. The Mexican opens his lunch, finds a burrito, and jumps too. The Australian opens his lunch, finds a vegemite sandwich, and jumps as well. At the funeral, the wives of the deceased are heard mourning.
The Irishman's wife, "If I'd known how much he hated corned beef, I'd've never given it to him again."
The Mexican's wife, "I could have made him chile, or enchaladas. If only I knew how much he hated burritos."
Everone turns to the Australian's wife, who exclaims, "Hey, don't look at me! Dumb bastard always made his own lunch."

Why do I like having sex with twenty-three-year-olds?
Because there are twenty of them.

I hope that doesn't count as a "baby joke"
Also I hope that I'm not violating Board Rule 08

Sick ones you want?

What did the lepper say to the prostitute?

-"Keep the tip!"

Coat-time?

Damn my joke was already here sorry

EDIT: http://www.hevydevyforums.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=605&p=62012&hilit=twenty#p62012

Less calories than a regular taco.