The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

these jokes are getting better...keep posting em dudes and dudettes...its always a good laugh

Chris

What was the last thing the drummer said before being kicked out of the band?



"Hey guys, I have an idea for a song..."

Which one does not fit in the group?

-A Korn fan
-A Nun
-A Blowjob

?????

The blowjob, because you can beat a Korn fan, you can beat a nun, but nothing beats a blowjob.

Which one does not fit in the group?

-A Korn fan
-A Nun
-A Blowjob

?????

The blowjob, because you can beat a Korn fan, you can beat a nun, but nothing beats a blowjob.

I've heard different variations of this joke, but it never gets old because it's SO TRUE.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A: So you can floss after using them.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You already are."

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

Devil: "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell."

Man: "That's not so bad, whatcha got?"

Devil: "Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity."

Man: "OK."

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man: "Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next."

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

Man: "That looks worse, got anything left."

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

Man: "Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one."

Devil: "Are you sure this is the one you want."

Man: "Absolutely!"

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.

"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."

Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm fucking her!"

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.


And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

1. Repeat number 9.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

lmao i like that one...


anyway, i heard a new one at work yesterday...

what's the difference between Michael Jackson and Frankie Dettori?

Frankie Dettori has a license to ride three-year-olds