A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Ok...

A guy goes to grocery store and picks up bacon, eggs, Coca-Cola and a six-pack of lager.

A cute cashier girl greets him nicely and after going through all the purchases she asks "Hey, you just got to be single?"

The dude gets his charm up and says "Oh, sure yes I am, how did you guess".

Girl: "Because you're so fucking ugly."

[EphelDuath666]

Ok...

A guy goes to grocery store and picks up bacon, eggs, Coca-Cola and a six-pack of lager.

A cute cashier girl greets him nicely and after going through all the purchases she asks "Hey, you just got to be single?"

The dude gets his charm up and says "Oh, sure yes I am, how did you guess".

Girl: "Because you're so fucking ugly."

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Two bananas are lying on a river bank, catching some sun. Then a turd comes down the river and says to them: "Come on, jump in, the water is great" and one banana says to the other: "Do you believe this shit?"

A man walks to a hooker and says:" I'll give you 100$ if I can can beat you." The hooker thinks for a moment, then asks: "For how long would you beat me." "Until you give me my 100$ back."

Why did the redneck cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

A cow walks into the store. "A loaf of bread, please." "Black or white?" "It doesn't matter, I'm on a bycicle." (Yep, you have to be drunk for this one.)

(Those weren't on the first four pages. If they are on pages 5-24, fuck pages 5-24. )

My brother and his friends fall apart at this one,

"Ask me if i'm an orange"
"Are you are an orange?"
"No".

That's it.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

What's a plinth? Someone who is married to a plinthess.

What do you call a japanese car thief? Tommy Tookamotor.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to retire.'

The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' The old rooster says 'I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'Damn,...third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Two builders are on top of a huge building site on their lunch break. One says to the other "Man, i need a piss but there is nowhere to go. If i push this plank of wood so it's half off the roof and stand on the edge to piss, you gotta make sure to stay standing on the other end alright?"

The other guy agrees, so he stands on the plank of wood while his mate goes over the edge to piss. Unfortunately, the bell for the end of lunch goes off, and the bloke steps off the plank to go back to work before he realises his mistake.

Later that day an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Frenchman are argueing over which nationality of people put more effort into seducing women. The Scotsman says "We Scots take seducing our women very seriously, sometimes we even miss watching the football so we can take them to the chip shop!"
The Frenchman says "Non! We put ze most effort in! We give zem chocolat, we give zem roses, we drink wine with zem and zen we make lurve to zem slowlee."
The Englishman says "Well i have proof the the English pursue women the strongest. Just today i was walking down the street and these two beautiful women were walking past me. I was about to talk to them when suddenly i heard a noise! I looked up, and there was this builder falling towards us, with his dick in his hands and yelling "CUUUUNNNNTTTTTTT!!!!"

OMG!
I just finished reading all 24 pages of this thread!!
[note to self] GET A LIFE [/note to self]

Well... While we're at it...

"Sherry goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having sex with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
_________________________________________________________

"While I was driving down the A19 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:
"Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work".
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher", I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well" I said, " I start by REPLACEing one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I get my other hand in, and then I slowly start to stretch the hole, until it's about six feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six foot Rectum?"
To which I politely replied," You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

Speeding ticket: $105.00

Court costs: $45

Look on copper's face: Priceless
__________________________________________________________

Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"
_____________________________________________________________

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

Two guys in a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

One sees an old bottle floating. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "For letting me out, I will grant you one wish."

The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into the best beer anybody has ever tasted.

The second guy says to the first, "You idiot, now we'll have to piss in the boat".

(Apologies in advance...)


How you you make a little boy cry twice?


Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear!

ugh

Polar bear walks into a pub.
Bartender says "Why the big pause?"

Horse walks into pub
Bartender says "Why the long face?"

Bloke leaves a giraffe on the floor of the pub and goes to leave.
Bartender shouts "Oi! You can't leave the lying there!
Bloke replies "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

Two nuns in a bath.
One says to the other "Where's the soap?"
The other replies "Yes it does, doesn't it?"

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobble street.
One says "I've never come this way before"
The other says "I know, great isn't it?"

Bill and Ben the flower pot men are in a bath
Bill says "Floberloberlob"
Ben says "Stop doing that"

A kid can't sleep so he get's in his parents bed. After much shuffling and keeping his parents awakehe asks "Dad, what that?" while pointing at his father's penis. Embarrased, the Dad says "well son, that's my toy soldier, no go to sleep". Seemingly satisfied the child closes his eyes.
Later, the Dad wakes up to find himself in an Ambulence with his wife and son and a sharp pain in his crotch. "What happened?!!" He gasped. The son looks guilty and replies "Well Dad i couldn't sleep so i was playing with your toy soldier, but then it spat at me so i bit it's head off"

A black family in the nudist camp. Dad is lying on the beach, reading a newspaper, when his young son approaches.
"Daddy, daddy, can I play with your penis."
"Of course, son, but don't go too far."