An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

Some of these are shockin', sorry...

"A Good Pun is it's Own Reword"
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank--proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron! "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Actually, it seems to depend on who you ask...

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken did cross the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Moses: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." and the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predispositioned to cross roads.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us he had and that was good enough for us.

Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicke Office 780. Which will not only cross roads but will also lay eggs and file your important documents.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road". But it is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, and whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing."

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't any ever think to ask 'what was this chicken doing out of his pen walking around all over the place anyway?

Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one??

thats 5 minutes ill never get back

Q - how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb

A - two

Q: How do you get two drummers to play in time?

A: Shoot one.

How do you know if theres a singer at your door?

They'll be knocking out of time and wont know when to come in.

OK this is kind of an oldie, but in honour of St. Patrick's Day what the hell...

A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the Dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "You are correct, Dave, "goan" is not in the Dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee...spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "...You are correct Jeff, "smee" is not in the Dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

The Phone Call


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

A husband and wife were out traveling and they stopped at a motel for the night. The wife was feeling really horny and asked her husband if he wanted to fuck. He said no way, he was really tired and he just wanted to sleep for tomorrow. The wife feeling frustrated and ignored said to herself that she would get even with him tomorrow morning.

The next day they stop into a diner for a bite to eat. The wife says "You know honey, I had a wierd dream last night. I dreamt that I was at an auction and they were bidding on dicks. The biggest ones were going for 100, the smaller ones for 50, and the tiniest were going for 10." The husband feeling prideful about himself said, "How much was mine baby!" And she says, "Dear, you didn't even make the bid."
The husband frowns and continues to eat for awhile before raising his head and saying "Honey, I had a wierd dream last night too. I dreamt that I was at an auction and they were bidding on pussy. The tightest ones were 100, the looser ones were 50 and the sloppy disgusting ones were 10." The wife grabs herself between her legs feeling hot and says "How much was this one baby!!" He looks under the table for a second and says "Shit, that's where we held the auction!!"

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

NOW THERE IS A REAL MARINE.

I think I know where Coma is finding his jokes... It'll be our lil' secret eh?

Ah...yes... ...ONE of the places...

IF you love someone, set them free...
If they come back, set them on fire...

What is the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of "dead babies"?

You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitch fork.