[JuZ]

During a maths class in year 11 I was feeling especially awkward and friendless (in the class, not generally). I was having a miserable day and was staring out the window, wishing I was outside listening to Rage Against The Machine or playing basketball, or jerking off, or whatever it was that I did when I was 17. I dunno, it was 20 years ago. I have a greying beard, for fuck's sake.

Anyway, I had just finished mentally undressing the girl next to me when I was asked what formula to apply to some meaningless maths problem. I got the answer wrong, the teacher made a half-mocking joke, I snorted fake laughter to cover up my embarrassment and a giant, fluorescent green booger flew out of my nose and wrapped itself around the whole side of my nose and cheek. It was like Cthulhu had shambled into our dimension via my nose.

If I could have jumped out the window at that point, I would have.

So yeah, I did not enjoy my teenage years. Making up for it now though.

When I was about five or six, my parents took us to the beach. While swimming in the water, I suddenly had to poop.
However there wasn't a public toilet anywhere near us, so I found a rocky part of the shore, made sure nobody was looking, and did my business there. I jumped back in the water with my shorts down to rinse myself.

Later on, I overheard a complaint that someone let their dog take a shit on the beach without cleaning up after it. Nobody suspected me. I made sure not to give myself away, though.